archive post: anecdotal thievery

originally posted on: Saturday, March 03, 2007

last night i went out with my roomate michelle, her boyfriend art, and their friend dan. now as most of you know, i am generally not much the “going‑out” type. i’m more of the “snuggling‑at‑home‑watching‑movies‑and‑drinking‑wine” type. but last night i succumbed, and actually had a really good time.

we went to a smallish bar not too far from my and michelle’s place. by the time we left, i was pretty toasty. and what do i spy with my vodka‑goggled eyes? why, it appears to be a dollar bill at the feet of some boys who had been acting obnoxiously the whole time time we were there. so i swoop down and grab the bill, my booze‑addled brain justifying it with the old finder’s/keeper’s adage, and sprint out the door on the heels of my fellow revelers. well, it turned out it was actually a ten dollar bill rather than a one! it was my first foray into petty larceny, and i know i should feel bad, but i gotta say no jim’s steakout chicken finger sub tastes better than one you don’t have to pay for.

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archive post: is it supposed to look like that?

originally posted on: Saturday, February 25, 2006

my friend heather works at the front desk of the hampton inn. now i did not know this, but apparently the front desk job at a hotel is one of the top jobs where a young woman finds herself having to fend off advances from skeevy old men. so last night we (heather, myself, and her roomates) went out to the little club located in the marriott hotel, which was surprisingly nice and had the added bonus of being a stone’s throw from campus. anyway, who is a lovely young desk clerk likely to run into while fraternizing at a rival hotel? you guessed it: one of her skeevy middle‑aged regulars. so this guy offers to buy the five of us a drink, and since

a) the five of us were all together

b) this was a bar within a hotel in amherst with bouncers every 3 feet, not some dive down on elmwood and

c) as red‑blooded (and in my case, of course, red‑headed) american co‑eds we never turn down free alcohol,

we gladly accepted. so we all sat down at a table, had our drinks and chatted a little, and just when the guy was leaving he pulls out his camera cell phone, tells us he wants to show us something, and proceeds to show a video that was a close‑up of some guy jerking off. i made some snarky comment about how the penis was weird looking, and about two minutes later the guy left. i guess showing amateur porn to a couple of 22 year olds wasn’t the conversation starter he’d hoped. anyway, after he left i nievely asked heather how someone got something like that on their phone and why they would bother, and she’s like, “julie, that was video of him!” apparently in the computer age exhibitionists no longer need to stand in the park in that ever‑conspicuous trench coat. perverts have gone high‑tech! so now poor heather has to see this weirdo at work. still, i found the whole episode extremely funny (the appletinis probably helped).

also, apparently i have yet another fun drunken habit to add to my face‑grabbing‑”listen!”‑shrieking behavior. my new thing is to lick random people and things (see exhibit a and exhibit b ). if that doesn’t get more people to want to hang out with me when i’m drunk, i don’t know what will!

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